


tsumthing tsumthing, problems

by fundamentalBlue



Category: Marvel
Genre: I wrote it anyway, M/M, Oviposition, Tentacles, i know this is weird, tsum tsum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fundamentalBlue/pseuds/fundamentalBlue
Summary: “They’re eggs. They look like eggs. What did you do?!” Steve’s eyes bore into him, panic shining through.“It’s not me! I didn’t do this!” Tony cries.----or, Tony gets himself into trouble, egg-laying-tsum-tsum style.Thanks toresurrectedhippofor the art fromSaganaRojanaOlt
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 32
Kudos: 83
Collections: Anti Soulmate Kinktober 2020





	tsumthing tsumthing, problems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sapphic_Futurist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphic_Futurist/gifts).



Tony weaves through the crowd. It’s the color of dusk inside the bubble of the space station, and there’s a humming murmur of grunts, growls, chirps, and other noises all around him. He’s tried to get used to it, the smells, sights, sounds, even the taste of the air, but it’s alien, every time. None of that dissuades him from what he’s here to do. 

As he ducks around, dodging tentacles and other oddly shaped limbs, he finally finds what he’s looking for, the dingy exterior a siren song promising dubious clientele and even more suspect beverages. 

The door creaks under his hand, the familiar sound of it soothing. If there’s one thing that’s true of all dimly lit, questionable bars, it’s that they often squeak at the hinges and look perpetually dirty. The sound is safe, familiar, the ambiance wrapping him in like a dark cloak. 

A quick glance around the bar notes almost exclusively humanoid forms, and Tony breathes a sigh of relief. He knows what he’s here for. He’s agreed with the rest of the Avengers that he’s still the best person to do it. But damn if he’s just relieved each time he goes out that he scores at drinking establishments more frequented by vertebrates that have two legs and two arms than the alternative. 

He wishes Natasha were here. They work well in counterpoint to one another, gathering information and tech that will possibly bring them all back to earth sooner rather than later. This is the kind of situation where Tony thought they would have been out of here months ago, but as time drifted by, things got more desperate than stable. Now Natasha hires herself out as a mercenary, along with Clint, Steve, and the Hulk. It’s more important that they earn money to afford tech for the spaceship they’re rehabbing than do this task. No, tech and trading for tech is Tony’s purview, and there’s one single way he’s found that works best to loosen lips on where the best stuff is found and how to make it cheaper: prostitution. 

The world’s oldest profession, and Tony has become somewhat of a master at it. 

He spots an Andorian relaxing at the counter, the numerous tags hanging off his jacket, and the roughened hands giving Tony a clue that the man is an engineer or a dealer. Either way, jackpot. 

Tony sidles over, dodging a Pakled and squeezing past an Orion, who may or may not be here willingly. If Tony had the suit, or any kind of firepower for that matter, all the slaves that he sees would be freed. Yeah, Tony has _plans_ , and they involve trying to help as many aliens as he can escape their shitty situations. But for now, his priority is their ship and whatever that Andorian can do for Tony to make it _go_. 

“I’ll have what he’s having.” It’s not the greatest beginning to picking up a human, but Tony has long since discovered that many races may not grasp sarcasm or innuendo, but they do understand the base language of exchanging goods and services. Which means all of Tony’s charm is for naught. He always runs in cold and tries to come out hot. 

The Andorian tilts his head at Tony expectantly, waiting for Tony to speak. 

Tony likes Andorians. They’re just so polite and not liable to punch you in the face, which has happened more than Tony is comfortable with.

“So, what brings you to Delta-5? The stunning cuisine and entertainment?” This place is a shit hole, as is every unregulated hole-in-the-wall waystation they’ve stopped at. Being in Kree space means they need to stay off the radar and out of slaver’s hands. At least here there’s some amount of rules that keep places like this flowing. Kidnapped clientele is just bad for business. Those whose business, Tony doesn’t exactly know or care to find out. He’s just glad he doesn’t have to worry so much. 

“Selling parts.” Andorians are also short and sweet speakers, never adding anything unnecessary. Did Tony mention he loves Andorians? They’re mostly human-looking, except for the fact that they’re blue with white hair and have two antennae that peek out from the top of their bangs. Tony has long since gotten over insignificant differences such as the color of someone’s skin or whatever weird things they have on their face. Not to mention the variety of dick and vagina he’s seen. It’s enough for a lifetime and has quite possibly made his sexuality broader than any one human has ever been before. 

“You wouldn’t happen to have a tri-cyclic ten capacity transregulator, would you?” There are no small parts, just parts that aren’t nearly as important as other parts. A tri-cyclic ten capacity transregulator is one of those important parts that they cannot do without. Tony’s tried building one himself, but it’s not like he has a fabricator and endless supplies of cash. These suckers aren’t cheap either. 

“I do.” The Andorian taps his glass and gives Tony an even look. Tony isn’t deterred. Emotion isn’t something readable on alien faces at all times. Someone could look like they’re glaring at you and it turns out they’re smiling. He finds that he sometimes gets himself into trouble, but as long as he stays on subject and the subject is one that the other person has agreed to, he’s mostly safe. 

“How much are you willing to part with it for?” 

“Thirteen thousand Shi’ar credits.” 

That’s a lot. And everything they have is Kree. The exchange rate alone will gut them of a grand of it. 

“Four thousand Kree credits, and a piece of this.” He gestures at himself with a sly smirk. The Andorian blinks, one of his antennae tilting forward towards Tony. 

“I accept. Copulation first.” Well, that was easy. Sometimes the universal translator he used didn’t exactly parse into slang, so often what Tony heard was more straightforward than what he would have gotten if he were interacting with humans. Oh humans. How he _missed_ his fellow man with all their idiosyncrasies and weirdness that he’d take every day over having to step into a thousand different cultures, some of which demanded death or limbs as a penalty for a misstep.

“Fine. I’ve got a room.” Normally Tony takes payment first, but this is the very last thing they need in order to make warp speed. The very last thing they need to get home to earth. Fuck it; if this is a scam, it’s the very last scam that he’s ever going to experience. Besides, Andorians are cool customers, not usually super demanding in bed. And the guy looks legit. 

Tony pays for his drink and leads the Andorian out of the bar. One thing he learned early from this amazing Orion woman, was that you always bring them to your room, never anywhere else. 

“Hey, so I’ve got a emergibeacon on me, so don’t think to cross my limits. My ass is yours for an hour, no marks, no pain. I’ve got embedded protection, so no need for condoms. We good?” Tony has a hand on the door as he observes the Andorian. The guy seems to be a little out of it, but he clearly had enough presence of mind to accept Tony’s offer and walk all the way here, so it can’t be that bad. After, they can go get the part they need. Tony has to go get their credit chip first, anyway. 

He’s got all his ducks in a row now, and the Andorian nods, so Tony opens the door to the room, leading them inside. 

Tony doesn’t hesitate, stripping off his secondhand shirt, tossing a bottle of lubricant on the mattress before shucking the rest of his clothing off. The Andorian unzips his pants, revealing an underwhelming icy-blue penis that’s partially erect, double ridged, and weeping blue-tinted precum. Not the least interesting genitalia he’s encountered. 

Tony kneels on the bed, nude and impatient, snicking the bottle of lube open and quickly jabbing two fingers into the tight noose of his hole. He scissors himself roughly, not bothering to take any extra time as the Andorian doesn’t seem to want to either. The man walks over with his dick in hand and puts a knee on the bed behind Tony before clambering up the rest of the way. 

He sighs as he feels the head of the man’s cock rest against his hole, and braces himself for impact. It’s been a long time since he’s had to talk himself into a good headspace. Nowadays he just thinks of the repairs he’s working on and how they’re almost, almost going home. 

It’s easy, drifting off like that as he listens to the soft grunts and huffs of breath of the man behind him. Tony is looking off to the right, towards the door when he shifts position to the left to get more comfortable. 

And then he sees it. In the mirror. 

That’s not an Andorian. 

It’s a Vendorian wearing an Andorian suit, and not very well by this point. A red tentacle works its way into Tony’s ass, bright and shining with lubricant. Tony activates the gauntlet for his wrist, nanotech cascading down his arm to form metal around his hand. 

He twists around, arm extended at the Vendorian’s face. 

“Get that thing out of me or I’m going to stick this repulsor so far up your ass, you’ll look like a Vorothian whale when I’m done with you.” 

There’s a slight shift, and the Vendorian gives up the game, sloughing off its disguise and changing into a chittering, thin cephalopod-like alien with six tentacles writhing all around it, along with the one that’s inside Tony. 

“I’m never that desperate to fuck anything with tentacles, and I think you very well know why you don’t do this to humanoids. Yuck, I’m going to have to get checked out for this. Do you even have the engine?” 

The Vendorian chitters—god, this universal translator is _garbage_ when it comes to non-humanoids—and makes for the door, tentacles looping around the handle and pulling it open. 

Tony lets it go. 

He rubs his forehead, more pissed than if he’d just been plainly scammed. 

“Bruce.” Tony hails their resident doctor on the coms. His friend is probably going to just send him to a doctor somewhere in this shit hole anyway, but they have a protocol. If Tony thinks he’s been compromised with some kind of potential illness or injury, he goes to Bruce.

“Uh, sorry, Bruce is out. It’s Steve here.” 

“Steve. Yeah ok. Um.” Which is just his luck, because out of all the Avengers, only Steve had a problem with Tony selling himself for parts and information. A really big problem, to where they hadn’t truly spoken to each other in months. Tony didn’t genuinely know what made Steve upset about the whole thing beyond the fact that it was yet one more part of this situation Steve couldn’t control. 

“Are you ok Tony? Are you hurt? Did someone—”

“No Steve, I just fucked up a little. I need someone to walk me to a clinic, make sure nothing happens in the meantime.” 

“I wish you wouldn’t do this. You don’t have to do this.” 

“It’s almost over Steve. And honestly, I really don’t want to hear it from you. Can you just come, please?” Tony does not want Steve here, at all. But he doesn’t feel like he has a choice. He feels warm all over, but maybe that’s just nervousness at how stupid this whole situation is. Another thing the Orion woman mentioned was that you just can’t trust anything that came from a completely different evolutionary branch than yourself. STIs were more treatable and easily identified in humanoid to humanoid transferences. You can trust a tentacle as far as you can throw it. 

“Fuck.” He lays down on the mattress and waits, holding his body still and trying to catalog every little thing that might be different. His ass is still leaking lube, and his cheeks squelch together uncomfortably. He’s still a little horny, to be honest. That’s not weird. Or it shouldn’t be. 

Tony checks the thermostat from the wrist-band key that the hotel provided, and notes that the temperature should be normal. So why is he so hot? He throws his underwear back on so he doesn’t scare Steve and puts a hand to his head. 

It feels feverish, and Tony’s gut sinks like a ship with lead in it. 

The Andorian hadn’t even haggled with him! That should have been the first sign. Tony is such an idiot. 

The door jiggles, and Tony hears a muffled “Tony?” 

He swings open the door, and there is Steve, in all his judgemental glory. 

“Ok, you get a maximum of five sentences to tell me all the ways in which I have screwed this up. And then you’re done, and we go to the clinic.” 

Steve follows Tony in as Tony flops back down on the bed. The jolt does _something_ to his groin, the heat sending little shocks up and down his spine, ending at the tip of his cock, which is entirely illogical. 

“I hate seeing you like this.” Is all Steve says. He looks defeated, shoulders slumped and his face screwed up tightly, lips pursed with what is likely disgust. 

Another wave of need rolls through him, and he wipes his forehead with his wrist, the skin coming away wet with sweat. This is very not good. 

“I think I’m in trouble.” Tony stands up and bends down to gather his clothes, and topples over. His body feels like it’s being held over a fire, skin tight and stiff with heat. His muscles are rapidly starting to ache, and the tumult in his groin is only getting louder. 

“Tony!” Steve’s voice sounds distant, almost tinny as the blood rushes through his head, roaring. His palms are flat to the floor, and he feels almost grounded as another ripple of arousal passes through him, almost painful in its intensity. 

“I’m fine, I’m—oh fuck.” It hits again, crashing and battering against his self-control. He doesn’t think he can get up now. He’s only just realized that Steve can probably see his massive hard-on. 

“Tony what can I do? Are you ok?” Steve is so gentle, his hands soft on Tony’s pained muscles. Steve is so nice. He’s always so nice, even when he’s being judgy. 

“I ran into the wrong kind of alien, and I think it’s done something to me. Steve, I can’t get up.” Tony lets himself lower to the ground, chest pressing against the bare floor that he hopes is clean. 

“I’ll carry you.” Steve starts to reach around Tony’s body, fingers wedging themselves under his ribs. Just this simple touch sends paroxysms of need through Tony. It races down his limbs and coils itself right around his erect cock, which is grinding against the hard surface of the floor now. Tony _needs_. He needs Steve. The realization sends him spinning because while he knows he’s always had a crush, this isn’t like that. It’s a desire that feels like his brain is manacled to it, pulling him to grab Steve into his arms and press as close as he can get. To try and get under his skin and make a home there. 

Tony is _fucked_

“No! Just. Let’s wait out the symptoms, ok? Please. And maybe get Bruce?” Steve abruptly stops and lets Tony slink back to the ground, and Tony is so grateful, because if Steve saw his erection, surely he’d think so poorly of him. Though another part of him desperately wants to know if Steve is at all interested. Plenty of aliens have enjoyed fucking him. He’s eminently fuckable. If Steve asked, he’d bang him like a screen door in a hurricane. Maybe he should let Steve get a look. 

Wait, no.  
But maybe? 

“I’m sorry Tony, Bruce is gone for the day. So are Nat and Clint. It’s just me.” Steve sounds a little bitter as he says that, and Tony imagines that Steve wishes Bruce were here too. 

“Ok, it’s going to be ok. We’ll get through this. We have to. Oh god.” He tenses up with feeling, gazing into Steve’s beautiful blue eyes. Have they ever been so crystalline? Whatever this is, it’s turning Tony into a bad poet. He needs to rein it in, but whatever this is, insists on running up and down his spine like little pinpricks over his skin, and spurring his ever-rising libido into action.

“Is there anything I can do?” Steve asks. _Yeah, fuck me stupid,_ Tony thinks. 

“Distract me. Just, anything, please.” Steve sits down on the floor next to Tony, cross-legged. From there Tony gets a direct view of those tight pants spanning over the bulge of Steve’s dick. His ridiculous and intoxicated brain thinks this is ungodly hot. Tony shudders and turns his head away. He’s got to maintain control. 

“Clint accidentally drank the expired kreyla juice the other day. He didn’t quite make it to the toilet before vomiting up the purplest upchuck I’ve ever seen. Kreyla juice is blue, so it was unexpected.” 

“God, you’re terrible at stories. I’d prefer to get laid.” Tony chomps down the moment he realizes what he’s said. His whole body tenses and he turns his head jerkily towards Steve, trying to take back what he’s just said with his eyes. 

“Steve, I’m sorry. I’m—I—I have no excuse. Really. That was—”

“Is that really what you need, Tony?” Steve looks tragically serious, his face pitying. 

“It’s just, whatever this alien did to me, it has me crazy horny. It’ll pass, but… it’s so hard to concentrate on anything but—but you.” Tony scrunches his arms to his side and cants his hips back a little bit, just to give his cock some much-needed breathing room before he spills over the floor like a pathetic teenager. 

“Me?” Steve’s face is shuttered, unreadable. 

And like a truth serum has taken hold of his vocal cords, Tony opens his mouth.

“Yeah, you. I’ve had a crush on you since I used training wheels. And then I met you, and it’s only gotten more involved from there. I would have you any time, any place, any single way. God, Steve. Have you seen you? Do you even know you? You’re like the best person I’ll ever know. I will never deserve you, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting.” He pauses for a second and then flaps his jaw a few times in shock. “Shit, I—I can’t say I didn’t mean all that, but we can totally forget it ever came up. Please. Pretty please?” Tony makes to get up but realizes at the last second that he’s got a raging boner that will belay his sincerity. He’s so horny now that his balls and dick ache painfully, the need to orgasm pressing at the seams of his sanity. And then there’s Steve. Perfect, gorgeous Steve. Who isn’t running away or punching him in the face. 

Steve uncrosses his legs and leans forward on his knees, putting his face as close to eye level as he can without being flat on the floor himself.

“Why should we forget? I’ve wanted you too. It’s taken me so long to get there, to realize that every time I thought it was you making me mad, that it was actually just how much I wanted to be more to you. If you mean it—if you mean it Tony, I’d like to be more. I’d like you to be my only.” 

“Even when we get home?” Just because Tony Stark has been missing for months, doesn’t mean that the journalists won’t trot out his latest mistakes as soon as the Avengers get back to earth. Steve would have to go through that, and no one wants to be associated with Tony Stark’s past. 

“Especially then.” It dawns on Tony that Steve is here for the long haul. That he means it. 

It undoes Tony. 

“I need you now. Steve, I need you. This alien has done something to me, and my body _needs_. Please. You can’t catch anything, can we just, can we please—” 

“That doesn’t seem like a good idea. Tony, we should get to the clinic.” Steve backs up and squats on his heels. Tony starts to crawl towards him, wedging his knees up underneath his body so he can grasp Steve by the lapels of his shirt. 

“Please, I need you so badly, I can’t—” Tony burrows his head into the warmth of Steve’s chest. Steve. Perfect Steve who still smells like his own delectable scent, even amongst all the myriad olfactory delights of this space station. Steve is reliable, solid, like nothing can move or change him. Tony just wants to _push_ , to get satisfaction from the man. 

His body is trembling, his hands shaking as he clings to Steve. 

“Tony, it’s ok. It’s going to be ok.” 

“It’s not. I’m so empty. It _hurts_.”

“Do you really need me to—”

“Yes. _Yes. _” Tony is not above begging. He can’t hold onto his dignity anymore, not when his body is falling to pieces around him.__

__“Ok, Tony. Ok. Maybe we can just get on the bed and hold each other?” Steve is biting his lip and it’s pure hell that Tony isn’t the one doing that._ _

__“If I get on that bed with you, I will tear your clothes off. There won’t be an inch of your body I won’t touch. Steve, I _have_ to have you. I can’t beg any prettier than this.” Tony peers up into Steve’s face, willing him to listen. The arousal is so overwhelming, he wants to jump Steve. It’s starting to really hurt now, the pleasure twisting into something awful. _ _

__“Steve,” Tony can hear his voice as it sounds breathless. “It hurts so bad. I can’t wait.”_ _

__“Ok, this is not the idea I had for a first time, but it sounds like we’re out of options.”_ _

__Now that Steve is committed to the cause, he scoops Tony up in an easy bridal carry and deposits him on the bed. Tony starts tearing at his clothes, hands still shaking, as Steve pulls of his shirt first, staring down at Tony’s face with a look of raw desire, his golden hair shining in the dim light, his eyes a hard cobalt._ _

__When the shirt comes off, Tony gets an eyeful of Steve’s curved pectorals that sit pert above a ripple of abs. He kicks his pants off, heels digging into the fabric. The underwear comes with, and Tony feels the smack of his cock against his stomach._ _

__Steve _moves_ hovering over him in less than a second, arms bracing Tony in. _ _

__“How do you want me?” Steve asks, breath warm on Tony’s face._ _

__“Oh god. This is straight out of my fantasies. My ass? Please say I can have you inside me.”_ _

__“You can have whatever you want, Tony.”_ _

__“God.” And with that Tony flips himself over, offering his ass to Steve’s purview. If he doesn’t get something inside him now, he’s going to implode or explode, his body hasn’t decided yet. He’d be more seductive, but at this point he’s over putting on any airs._ _

__And it seems like Steve is too._ _

__Tony feels his cheeks stretch open under Steve’s fingers, revealing his hole to the exposed air. He’s already stretched and lubricated, and he feels a little guilty for having recently fucked someone else, but he just can’t think too deeply about it right now._ _

__“Steve, hurry. It’s honestly unbearable!” Tony smashes his fist on the bed. His body is alight with a stinging sensation of need. He wants to crawl out of his goddamn skin._ _

__Steve rubs a quick finger over his hole and Tony _arches_ , his body bending to the whims of whatever is puppeteering his arousal. He hears Steve shift and feels the indent in the bed on either side of his body as Steve kneels over him. The blunt head of Steve’s cock presses at his entrance, and it’s like cool water has been poured over his burning desire. It feels so good, so perfectly right, that Tony lets out an embarrassing whine of relief. _ _

__“Oh, Tony,” Steve hisses as he sinks in like he belongs there, the ridge of his cock passing in with a pop until it’s a smooth slide all the way in. Tony can feel the press of rough pubic hair at his skin, the dip of Steve’s hips cupping his ass, the pure warmth of Steve’s form above him, inside him, all over him._ _

__“Steve, you have to move. You have to fucking move, I swear to god,” Tony begs._ _

__Steve complies, snapping his hips into Tony, grunting and pumping at him roughly, just like Tony loves. Every thrust feels divine, purging the fires of whatever has overtaken him. Tony could cry it’s so good, the relief unbearably profound._ _

__“Yes, that’s fucking it, god yes. Steve, fuck, don’t stop. Please!” Steve, to his wondrous credit, doesn’t stop. He slams himself into Tony, the lewd smack of his skin on Tony’s loud and sensuous. Tony opens his eyes, tacky from the tears that he’s been holding in. Steve’s hands are clamped down on the sheets, rocking back and forth with Steve’s powerful movements. He lets out a gasp at the image, and the tears begin to streak his face, blurring his vision._ _

__“Tony, Tony, Tony,” Steve chants. Tony is awash with lust and need, and he comes without a single hand on his cock, spilling over the sheets and clamping down on Steve’s cock. Steve gasps and stutters before coming himself, undulating his body as he drives himself deep into Tony._ _

__They lay entangled together after, Tony’s body sated. The heat has diminished, and he feels almost normal, except for the high he’s riding from being with Steve._ _

__“I think that did it. Usually, Pepper tells me sex is never the solution, but I think this time she might actually be wrong.” Tony pets Steve’s wet chest, which is gently rising up and down with his breath._ _

__“You feel better?”_ _

__“Mostly. I’m a little sore, and I could use a nap. We’ve got the room for the rest of the night, if you care to stay?”_ _

__“Sure, Tony. That sounds great.” Steve smiles and curls around Tony, wrapping his arms around him._ _

__They stay like that, drifting in and out of sleep, until Tony awakens with a sharp pain in his ass, almost stabbing. It’s not that he needs to use the bathroom. It doesn’t hurt like that._ _

__“Steve,” he smacks at Steve’s arm as he disentangles himself and sits up, “Steve. Steve.”_ _

__“Tony?” Steve reaches over to cup Tony’s face, but Tony pushes his arm away._ _

__“Something’s wrong. Something’s really fucking wrong. It hurts so bad.” Tony curls in on himself, his body’s muscles tightening hard enough to crimp steel. He feels so full, so stuffed tight in his gut. He thinks about vomiting, but that’s not what his body wants to do._ _

__He bears down and feels something shift inside, something that doesn’t belong. Oh fuck._ _

__“What can I do? Tony, are you ok?”_ _

__“No, no, no, fuck, no, it’s got to come out. Fuck whatever is in me needs to get out.” He grabs at his belly, and presses down, and he feels a rounded and hard bulge under his hand. It shifts as he pushes down harder, and another rounded and hard lump takes its place._ _

__“What—”_ _

__“Steve get it out! Get it the fuck out! There’s so many, fuck. I need to—I need—what the _hell_ did that thing put in me, oh god!” He bears down, and feels the telltale press of something at the exit of his anus, pressing and pressing. It feels like a violation, like transgression. _ _

__“Tony, what’s happening? Talk to me.” Steve is trying to pull Tony’s face into his hands, but Tony keeps dodging his grip._ _

__“There’s something inside of me, Steve, you have to look. You have to go down there and look, I can’t look, please, fuck!” Tony scrapes at his legs, pulling them open and leaning back, shutting his eyes in desperate fear. A wave of pain hits him, and he bears down._ _

__It’s excruciating, and he screams as he feels the first mass breach his body._ _

__“Tony, what is that? What—what is that?”_ _

__“You really think I know what it is?!” Tony draws out the word as he squeezes it out the rest of the way. Another press and he’s expelling another, gasping and wheezing._ _

__Now that he’s pushed out two, the rest just keep coming, slipping and depositing themselves on the bed._ _

__“They’re eggs. They look like eggs. What did you do?!” Steve’s eyes bore into him, panic shining through._ _

__“It’s not me! I didn’t do this!” Tony cries._ _

__“That alien—”_ _

__“Steve I know, _I know_.” He glares at Steve, willing the man to shut up about it. He knows this is his fault. _ _

__Finally, the last egg is out, and they’re both stuck staring at the pile of them, gooey with some kind of lubricant and exuding a warmth that Tony can feel from where he’s sitting._ _

__“At least it’s over with, ok. We should get back to the ship and—” One of the eggs stirs, toppling over the pile to roll closer to Tony._ _

__“They’re hatching, Tony. We have to stay.” Tony wraps his arms around his chest and squeezes tight. They do _not_ have to stay. _ _

__“We should leave. We should leave before they turn into more little tentacle monsters like the one that laid those things in me in the first place.” He burrows his head in between his arms and hides his face. He doesn’t want to look at those fucking things. They’re disgusting, along with him. How could he let Steve sleep with him?_ _

__“We can’t just leave. Tony they’re just babies. They didn’t ask for this.” He feels Steve’s hands at his arms, pulling them down away from his face. They lock eyes, and Tony feels a stab of guilt. Steve is right that it’s their responsibility. Tony brought this onto himself, and now he has to deal with his mess._ _

__He looks down at the pile and notes that Steve is right. The eggs are falling around, and their delicate shells are starting to break._ _

__Quite suddenly, one of the eggs pops its top off, and the only thing that Tony sees is a red and gold shell with two blue circular eyes. They blink, squinting shell out of their way before it starts to wiggle its way out of the shell._ _

__“Tsum tsum!” It cries as it sheds the rest of its shell. Out of it pops a pill-shaped looking version of Iron Man._ _

__Tony is flabbergasted. Stunned._ _

__“This is not happening. What the absolute _fuck_ is that thing?” _ _

__“It looks like Iron Man.” Steve is equally shocked, his jaw hanging slack with dismay._ _

__“Yes, I think we know it looks like Iron Man, thank you!” Tony shouts at Steve, getting up from the bed and jumping to the floor. “We need to get rid of those _things_.” _ _

__Tony paces around, hands fisted in his hair. What are they going to do? The hotel has a strict policy about biological contaminants in their rooms. They have to find some way of disposing of these things. Maybe the Vendorian is still lingering around, waiting for its… babies._ _

__Steve is poking at the little pill-shaped thing that Tony is just going to call a Tsum, because that’s all it keeps saying as it nuzzles at Steve’s hand._ _

__“Tsum tsum!”_ _

__Another egg cracks, and this time a Captain America tsum busts right out of its shell, flopping next to the Iron Man tsum. This has become more than surreal for Tony; it’s headed into crazyville._ _

__“Tsum!” The little Cap shouts, bumping itself onto the Iron Man tsum._ _

__“Jesus Christ on a fucking cracker, we are not doing this. This is not real. Steve, we need to get the hell out of here. Leave these things, whatever the hell they are, behind. Steve. Steve!” But Steve is enraptured with the little things, letting them bounce onto his hand and prod at it almost lovingly._ _

__“But they seem harmless, and cute.” Steve is smiling down at them, as if he’s the one who recently gave birth to such an abomination._ _

__“Tsum tsum! Tsum tsum!” The other eggs are cracking now, little Caps and Iron Mans bouncing out of their shells with sadistic glee._ _

__Then Tony feels wetness on his chest and he looks down where he sees twin stains dripping down his shirt where his nipples start. He’s lactating._ _

__“Steve… Steve! Steve, I’m lactating. This is serious. You need to call Bruce, now.” He wipes at his shirt, trying to will the stains away as he rubs at them with his fingers._ _

__“Tsum!” The tsums are bouncing all over Steve’s open arms, their fat little bodies crowding around him._ _

__“No! Shut the fuck up!” Tony can’t help but yell at the pile of tsums on the bed, Steve finally turning his head to pay attention to Tony._ _

__“It’s all right Tony. It’s just liquid. Come look at these guys. They’re totally safe.”_ _

__Tony sucks in a breath and holds it, trying not to expel his rage out onto Steve._ _

__“If I come over there, and look at them, will you please, for the love of god, please, call Bruce.”_ _

__“Oh, yeah, sorry, absolutely. Just give them a chance Tony. They might be alien, but they’re part of us.” Steve gets up from the bed as the tsums start jumping up in the air to try and follow him. One of the Cap tsums falls off the bed and starts squeaking and wailing, crying ‘tsum’ over and over again._ _

__Tony picks it up by its little scruff and tosses it back on the bed, but it’s too late. Like he has some kind of homing beacon installed, they all start crowding around him, pulling at his shirt._ _

__“Tsum! Tsum!” Their little mewls sound like pure need, and as they tug on the fabric of his shirt and start to climb it with their stubby little hands and legs, he realizes _exactly_ what they want._ _

__“Bruce? Yeah, we’ve got a situation at Tony’s room. Yeah, I know, I wouldn’t normally interrupt but—”_ _

__“ _Steve!_ ” Tony shouts, drawing out Steve’s name. He’s smacking at the Tsums, who are licking frantically at his shirt, lapping up the wetness Tony’s nipples have oozed out. _ _

__“—Yeah that’s Tony. He’s ok. Yeah, we need you here though. Can you come? Please?”_ _

__One of them makes it under his shirt and scrabbles up his skin to latch onto a nipple, causing him to howl. He whacks it, but it stays latched, and of course another one latches onto his other nipple, both of them sucking hard at his chest. The sensation is disturbingly arousing, and he grabs each of their little bodies, squeezing as tight as he can in the hopes that they’re nothing like snapping turtles, and they’ll let go._ _

__They do, and he stumbles away from the bed, a trail of ‘tsum! tsum! tsum!’ following him as they jump off the bed onto the floor._ _

__“No! Get back!” Tony tries dancing around the room, but they make their best effort to corner him by the bathroom before he takes a flying leap over them and jumps up onto the bed. They stumble over each other, trying to hop up with him, but it seems there’s a limit to their abilities, and they all are stuck milling about on the floor, tsuming._ _

__“Bruce is coming Tony.” Steve is eyeing this disaster in such a way that makes Tony think that there’s going to be bloodshed soon, if Steve doesn’t get over here and _help_ him like he ought to be doing. _ _

__“What do I have to do to get you to get these things way from me? Avengers Assemble?”_ _

__Everything stays at a standoff, the tsums crying at the base of the bed, Tony leaking milk from his chest, and Steve watching the door as though Bruce will come through it at any moment._ _

__Finally, the door opens, and there’s their resident doctor, as well as the the rest of the team. Which is not who he wanted to see this._ _

__“What’d you fuck this time Stark?” Clint looks a little ruffled, his hair sticking up at the ends and a grease streak on his face._ _

__“Just the usual, and the unusual. Been crawling around in engines? That’s my job.”_ _

__“What on earth is happening here?” Bruce takes off his glasses and cleans them as he stares at the tsums that are still howling themselves silly on the floor by the bed, bouncing and jumping up the sides as if suddenly they will be able to reach Tony. Their fat little bodies tumble around each other and they spend a great majority of their time trying to stack up tall enough to get on the bed. Nat crouches down and lets one of them hop onto her hand._ _

__“They’re more adorable than their parents,” Nat says, a little smile peeking out._ _

__“You know what? I am done with this day. Absolutely finished. You can all handle it from here.” Tony leaps off the bed and runs for the door, slamming it behind him and leaving the team to deal with all of _that_. _ _

__“Never again. No more alien sex, ever,” he promises himself, strolling back to the ship, uncaring of how disheveled and partially clothed he is._ _

__“Tony! Wait up!” Steve pops out of the room, jogging after him._ _

__“I thought I couldn’t get you to part from those things.” Was that bitterness seeping out of his tone? Maybe._ _

__“I couldn’t let you leave alone.” Steve stands in front of him, all earnest sincerity._ _

__“You mean it?”_ _

__“Of course. You’re my priority now.” Tony waits an uncharacteristic moment before he jumps Steve, legs wrapping around his midsection as he pulls the other man into a searing kiss._ _

__“Maybe this day isn’t finished.” He says when he pulls off with a smile. Steve’s face is lit up from within, a kind of contended happiness that Tony wants to bask in._ _

__“Maybe not.” Steve agrees._ _


End file.
